Praying for Millions

So I just finished listening to a message by one of my ministers (Jay Minor) on being a light to the world.  He talked about how one of the few things we are in control of in our lives is how we give our time, and how we give our money.

I was hit when Jay asked if we have ever had the courage to pray for millions of dollars in order to help millions of people.

I've often dreamed of becoming a millionaire.  At first, when I was young and not yet a Christian, it was for the respect or renown it would bring me, and for the lazy, irresponsible lifestyle it would allow me to live.  (In my nature, I don't like to work or have to worry about money and bills, etc..)  

As I grew, it became a different kind of selfish desire: for the way using the money would make me feel good about myself, or make others appreciate me.

Now, after 9 years of living for Christ, I have found myself not dreaming as much.  Sure, I want to be unselfish and not desire things that aren't important (money itself isn't happiness or goodness).  At the same time, I want to shine brighter, and let God use my life more than I have.  I think I settled with feeling that I am not great, so should not aspire to greatness.  

Yet, why not aspire to greatness for God?  If my greatness reflects his glory, shouldn't I strive to be all God made me to be?  Yet it is the desire to please my God that drives me, now, not to pray for millions of dollars, but for the heart to use all of my life and wealth for others.  Whatever God trusts me with is what I can glorify him with, whether that is a million dollars or a hundred.  

"God, give me every resource I need to fulfill the dreams you place on my heart to glorify your name."
  
Click here and look for the "Too Small" section--listen to "Being the Light" for this sermon.

To Teach Or Not To Teach

So, here I am, in my amazing Technology/Leadership class at my amazing charter High School.  I have really loved this year's teaching experience...  I've really loved my students.

Since I began teaching here nearly 2 years ago, I have been exploring how to enroll in an internship program to earn my credential while teaching full-time.  Due to complications that I won't get into, I kept running into dead-ends or road-blocks, and so never enrolled in a program.  It's been a miracle that I've even been able to teach here this long.  I'm so glad, because something in me dreaded further investing in and committing my life to the American school-system, and the only reason I've loved teaching as much as I have is because I haven't had the added stress of jumping through hoops and getting bogged down in paperwork or tedious coursework that has nothing to do with what I long to teach my students.  

Well, that may not be entirely true.  I may have loved it, despite those annoyances.  I can let the hassle of things keep me from embarking on the mission, which is why I have mixed feelings about the state of my teaching assignment now.

So, if I don't have an intern credential by June 30th, I'm not going to be able to teach here next year.  At this point, answers to questions I've had from the beginning are finally beginning to be made clear, but it may be too late.  I guess, if I had really loved teaching, I would have made sure to enroll in any program 2 years ago, and would have a credential by now.  Then again, I wasn't sure what kind of credential I would be required to have, so could I have done anything differently?  I might have ended up in the exact same spot, but $20,000 in debt due to student loans.  That wasn't an appealing option.

Which brings me to where I am today.  Possibly jobless in July, with a big blank canvas of possibility before me.  What does God want for my life?  That's the question.
A friend recently told me that he believed I should pursue my future as a painter, and start to sell my work.  I never considered being successful at painting--there are so many people I feel are better than I am.  

That's crippling belief I find cropping up a lot in my life, lately: "If I can't be the best, don't bother."  Or maybe it's more like, "If I'm not the best, then I don't matter."

(Side note: As I'm writing this during my lunch break, a student I had last year came in asking for help on something.  We worked it out so she could come back during the next class, not on my break, but it just makes me realize how much I fit this gig now.  I have learned the importance of boundaries, and helping only as much as I can sustain myself, and it is paying off.  I love my students!  I feel home here...what will I do if not this?)

I trust you, God.  Take me to the next adventure.  You've never let me down--you've never made me go backward.  If I've learned all I was meant to learn here as a teacher, then take me on to the next challenge!  Prepare me for the next leg of the journey, and show me which way to turn.

Lead on, Father--lead on!

Swept Up

Sam: “It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something.”
Frodo: “What are we holding on to, Sam?”
Sam: “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.” 

I love this quote.  I absolutely love these movies, and I'm sure when I read the books, I'll love them, too.  I relate to Samwise, who is aware of being swept up into a story that is greater than he is, beyond his understanding or control.  

I want to be swept up into a story.  Not just any story, though.  God's story--the one He is writing for me as the author and perfecter of my faith.

I have heard it said that people have different paradigms, different ways of viewing and understanding life.  For example, a soldier may feel that life is a battle, and you must always be on your guard against the enemy.  A dancer may see life as a partnership with others, and you make your moves deliberately while surrendering to the lead of your partner.  

I am a writer (among other things), and I love stories--especially ones filled with great risk and peril, great bonds of friendship that carry the characters through every hardship to find love and honor in the end.  I see life as a tale of adventure--an epic journey!  I long to be the character who, weak and ordinary in the beginning, goes through trial and test to overcome obstacle and inner struggle; the unlikely hero who, step after step, choice after choice, never gives up striving to do what is right because they hope for a greater end.  And suddenly, they have become the hero they never dreamed they could be.  Their life made a difference, and the world is better because they lived.

Can I ever be that hero?  I sometimes doubt it very much, but I long to believe.  "I do believe!  Help me overcome my unbelief!" I often find my heart calling to the Lord.  What chapter am I in now?  The beginning, just before destiny calls and the adventure truly begins?  The middle, when I've already been brought through trials which test my character and bring about the arc and transformation I long for?  I don't know.  I'm just the character, oblivious most of the time to the true adventure of my circumstances.

So, God...what is the story you're writing for me?  I am ready to be swept up in it!  Take me into the danger, for only in the fire can I prove to the world that you have the power to keep me from being burned!