To Teach Or Not To Teach

So, here I am, in my amazing Technology/Leadership class at my amazing charter High School.  I have really loved this year's teaching experience...  I've really loved my students.

Since I began teaching here nearly 2 years ago, I have been exploring how to enroll in an internship program to earn my credential while teaching full-time.  Due to complications that I won't get into, I kept running into dead-ends or road-blocks, and so never enrolled in a program.  It's been a miracle that I've even been able to teach here this long.  I'm so glad, because something in me dreaded further investing in and committing my life to the American school-system, and the only reason I've loved teaching as much as I have is because I haven't had the added stress of jumping through hoops and getting bogged down in paperwork or tedious coursework that has nothing to do with what I long to teach my students.  

Well, that may not be entirely true.  I may have loved it, despite those annoyances.  I can let the hassle of things keep me from embarking on the mission, which is why I have mixed feelings about the state of my teaching assignment now.

So, if I don't have an intern credential by June 30th, I'm not going to be able to teach here next year.  At this point, answers to questions I've had from the beginning are finally beginning to be made clear, but it may be too late.  I guess, if I had really loved teaching, I would have made sure to enroll in any program 2 years ago, and would have a credential by now.  Then again, I wasn't sure what kind of credential I would be required to have, so could I have done anything differently?  I might have ended up in the exact same spot, but $20,000 in debt due to student loans.  That wasn't an appealing option.

Which brings me to where I am today.  Possibly jobless in July, with a big blank canvas of possibility before me.  What does God want for my life?  That's the question.
A friend recently told me that he believed I should pursue my future as a painter, and start to sell my work.  I never considered being successful at painting--there are so many people I feel are better than I am.  

That's crippling belief I find cropping up a lot in my life, lately: "If I can't be the best, don't bother."  Or maybe it's more like, "If I'm not the best, then I don't matter."

(Side note: As I'm writing this during my lunch break, a student I had last year came in asking for help on something.  We worked it out so she could come back during the next class, not on my break, but it just makes me realize how much I fit this gig now.  I have learned the importance of boundaries, and helping only as much as I can sustain myself, and it is paying off.  I love my students!  I feel home here...what will I do if not this?)

I trust you, God.  Take me to the next adventure.  You've never let me down--you've never made me go backward.  If I've learned all I was meant to learn here as a teacher, then take me on to the next challenge!  Prepare me for the next leg of the journey, and show me which way to turn.

Lead on, Father--lead on!