The Final Father's Day...?

I've been very in touch with my emotions, lately.

I've felt deep sadness and longing and hope these past few days.

What brought it on?  A combination of my fast-approaching, life-altering move to Kiev, and my dad's unexplained bronchial attacks.  There have been frequent instances in the past 3 weeks where he has woken up in the middle of the night, unable to draw breath.  It scares me to hear him describe how close he has come to dying.

Even now, the attacks continue.  I have never been more aware that, at any moment, I could lose my daddy.

I have tried reading that sentence without tearing up.  I cannot...

Yesterday, Father's Day, was probably the most special time I could have had with my Dad.  It wasn't what we did, or what we said to each other.  It was just being with him.  Hugging him.  Kissing his cheek.  Embracing him as tightly as I could for as long as I could, letting the tears express what words would inevitably fail to.

I love you, Dad.  (My eyes refuse to stay dry writing this blog.)  I love you...

Thank you for everything you've done for me.  Thank you for believing in me.  Thank you for making me play softball instead of wasting my youth inside my room, alone.  Thank you for getting me my first job at 16, which led me to meeting Christians and beginning my search for a relationship with God, and which began the work of building the character I would need to face the pressures of life on my own.  You never enabled me.  You have provided if I was ever truly in need, but wouldn't rescue me from the pain that would lead to true growth. 

Thank you for seeing my infinite potential--I wouldn't have done as much as I have if not for your unbelievable vision for me.  Thank you for sharing your passion and wisdom and love for God.

I'm going to miss you, Dad. 

Farewell to a Dream Fulfilled...Hello to Another

Tonight, I enjoyed my last show with the Turning Point Improv Troupe...at least until God brings me back from whatever adventures he has planned for me overseas.

Ever since I became a disciple and learned that our churches had a ministry devoted to acting, I longed to be part of it.  When I first saw the improv troupe perform, I dreamed of joining them in their silliness and camaraderie.

Tonight, I see how God has blessed me with that longing fulfilled.  I have been honored to perform as a member of the Turning Point Improv group for over a year, now.  This is after 5 years of waiting to transfer into this ministry, and another 3 waiting for an opportunity to join the group.  Thank you, God, for your timing, your faithfulness.  Thank you, Pat, for giving me a shot and making me a part of our crazy little improv family.  Thank you, Tiffany, Brandon, Chadd, Paul, Shaunnie, Derrick, and Isis--for making me feel welcome from the start, and for all of the support and love and laughs and memories.  I leave you with this one exhortation: ZIP!

As for the future...well, though I leave behind the Tree-of-Life that this longing became, I go to embrace a new one.  God is leading me to the mission-field, after 9 years of unspoken hopes and desires--these of a more sacrificing kind.  I go to embrace whatever purpose God has set aside for my life, though it means leaving behind all I hold dear and love.

Still, I will hope and wait for the day when God will unite my two longings, and I will again be able to perform with my friends and fellow performers from the Turning Point, my true family...my home.

How I will miss you...

After the show, Vicki came up to me and told me that her 5-year-old (I think) daughter, Landri, started crying when Pat announced that I was moving.  That touched me more than anything so far, and I cried on the drive home.  It's becoming more real that I'm leaving, not knowing what the future holds for me, and I was touched by this little girl's attachment to me, though we only saw each other at various church functions and from my time teaching her class at church.  I was afraid I would miss her growing up, miss that feeling of belonging, of being needed and known and loved...

Oh, God, will I feel all alone again, like I did in Guatemala?  Even so, I will go...

This morning, a sister from another region shared Acts 20:22-24 with me.  That is going to be a new theme scripture for this journey I'm taking to Kiev.  I don't know what awaits me, but I know it will include hardships.  Whatever it takes, Lord...whatever it takes.  I want to serve you and follow you to whatever you call me to...even if that means losing everything I love...

Lead on, Lord...lead on.

With God, all things are possible!

June 7th, 2010
  I'm feeling excited again about my journey to Kiev.  It should be quite an experience!

 I feel renewed energy, and though the planning has been demanding, it is beginning to bear fruit.

 To anyone who desires to acheive something great, I say, "There will be blood, sweat, and tears, as the saying goes, but the gains far outweigh the pains!"

 What dream has been on your heart?  What have you longed to accomplish for God?

I say, GO FOR IT!

1. Pray
2. Seek advice from the older/wiser
3. Listen for God's voice
4. Follow where he leads, one baby-step at a time

"I'm over it..."

I changed my answer to the vote at the top of the page today.  I'm not necessarily in the conflict (although things still come up), but in this dreary phase of weariness and exhaustion.  I don't necessarily feel the passion and excitement I did at first (although those still come in waves, as well), but rather a steady sense of determination to finish the race, resolved to the course God has set for me. 

In truth, I am still excited when I stop and consider all that God has done to lead me here.  He's got me in his hands, and I feel safe when I remember that.  Actually, I believe the largest factor in my current rating is the amount of time I spend with God.  Over the past few months of flurry and hurry, my time in His word, meditating, and prayer has dropped significantly.  I'd say by at least a third, maybe even my half.

Running on my own strength...

I still make time for him, but with all of the other things to do to prepare for the next part of my journey, I don't have the amount of leisure time that I used to.  I find that I need to be extra disciplined, focused in my use of time, and balanced as I distribute how I spend it.  Then there is that portion of time I protect for myself, instead of spending it on God.  I choose instead to do the things I think will bring me rest or peace...no wonder I still feel weary.

In these moments of clarity, I turn to Him again, and I feel refreshed.  Still, turning my life over to God must become my daily habit, not keeping any part for myself.

Help me, Lord, to remember that my life belongs to you, the only one who can keep it safe forever.

Today, I'm Going to Die

Have you ever had a near-death experience?  A moment in time when you are faced with the very real possibility that you are about to die?  When you are looking into the dark face of Death...standing at the edge of a black hole that has caught you in its eddies and promises to drag you coldly down into the next unknown...

I had one of those moments this morning.

At 8:15ish am, as I was riding our school elevator and neared the 4th floor, it suddenly slowed with a grinding roar, vibrating and shaking dangerously.  My heart stopped, my stomach dropped.  My thoughts flashed back to last night, when I had felt a weird premonition that I would die by fire (to me, one of the most horrifying ways to die), and I thought, "God, were you preparing me for this moment?  To leave this journey completely and continue on the ultimate one with you?" 

I asked myself if I was ready to face my maker.  I felt, of all times, I'm not ready to go.  Not because I was afraid of judgement--I actually felt more clear in my conscious than any time in my life, and was a little excited to finally realize the hidden truths of my faith.  Would it be anything like I'd imagined? 

No, I didn't want to die yet because there was still so much I wanted to use my life to accomplish.  There was still too much to be done--too many people left to reach, to love, to save!  I was struck by the gravity of all that mattered in life--truly mattered--and all of my existence orbited around serving as many people as possible as Christ himself would have.  My family.  My friends.  How many needs can I meet before I leave this world?  How many hearts can I soften to God's love?  How many words of truth can I offer to those who have been deceived for too long by the lies I myself have only recently begun to be freed of? 

The elevator continued rumbling and rattling for another minute while these thoughts raced by in split-seconds.

Then, as suddenly as it started, the noise stopped.  The elevator jarred into the 4th floor.  The doors opened, and I escaped with my life--for now.  For His glory.  In this world.

Praying for Millions

So I just finished listening to a message by one of my ministers (Jay Minor) on being a light to the world.  He talked about how one of the few things we are in control of in our lives is how we give our time, and how we give our money.

I was hit when Jay asked if we have ever had the courage to pray for millions of dollars in order to help millions of people.

I've often dreamed of becoming a millionaire.  At first, when I was young and not yet a Christian, it was for the respect or renown it would bring me, and for the lazy, irresponsible lifestyle it would allow me to live.  (In my nature, I don't like to work or have to worry about money and bills, etc..)  

As I grew, it became a different kind of selfish desire: for the way using the money would make me feel good about myself, or make others appreciate me.

Now, after 9 years of living for Christ, I have found myself not dreaming as much.  Sure, I want to be unselfish and not desire things that aren't important (money itself isn't happiness or goodness).  At the same time, I want to shine brighter, and let God use my life more than I have.  I think I settled with feeling that I am not great, so should not aspire to greatness.  

Yet, why not aspire to greatness for God?  If my greatness reflects his glory, shouldn't I strive to be all God made me to be?  Yet it is the desire to please my God that drives me, now, not to pray for millions of dollars, but for the heart to use all of my life and wealth for others.  Whatever God trusts me with is what I can glorify him with, whether that is a million dollars or a hundred.  

"God, give me every resource I need to fulfill the dreams you place on my heart to glorify your name."
  
Click here and look for the "Too Small" section--listen to "Being the Light" for this sermon.

To Teach Or Not To Teach

So, here I am, in my amazing Technology/Leadership class at my amazing charter High School.  I have really loved this year's teaching experience...  I've really loved my students.

Since I began teaching here nearly 2 years ago, I have been exploring how to enroll in an internship program to earn my credential while teaching full-time.  Due to complications that I won't get into, I kept running into dead-ends or road-blocks, and so never enrolled in a program.  It's been a miracle that I've even been able to teach here this long.  I'm so glad, because something in me dreaded further investing in and committing my life to the American school-system, and the only reason I've loved teaching as much as I have is because I haven't had the added stress of jumping through hoops and getting bogged down in paperwork or tedious coursework that has nothing to do with what I long to teach my students.  

Well, that may not be entirely true.  I may have loved it, despite those annoyances.  I can let the hassle of things keep me from embarking on the mission, which is why I have mixed feelings about the state of my teaching assignment now.

So, if I don't have an intern credential by June 30th, I'm not going to be able to teach here next year.  At this point, answers to questions I've had from the beginning are finally beginning to be made clear, but it may be too late.  I guess, if I had really loved teaching, I would have made sure to enroll in any program 2 years ago, and would have a credential by now.  Then again, I wasn't sure what kind of credential I would be required to have, so could I have done anything differently?  I might have ended up in the exact same spot, but $20,000 in debt due to student loans.  That wasn't an appealing option.

Which brings me to where I am today.  Possibly jobless in July, with a big blank canvas of possibility before me.  What does God want for my life?  That's the question.
A friend recently told me that he believed I should pursue my future as a painter, and start to sell my work.  I never considered being successful at painting--there are so many people I feel are better than I am.  

That's crippling belief I find cropping up a lot in my life, lately: "If I can't be the best, don't bother."  Or maybe it's more like, "If I'm not the best, then I don't matter."

(Side note: As I'm writing this during my lunch break, a student I had last year came in asking for help on something.  We worked it out so she could come back during the next class, not on my break, but it just makes me realize how much I fit this gig now.  I have learned the importance of boundaries, and helping only as much as I can sustain myself, and it is paying off.  I love my students!  I feel home here...what will I do if not this?)

I trust you, God.  Take me to the next adventure.  You've never let me down--you've never made me go backward.  If I've learned all I was meant to learn here as a teacher, then take me on to the next challenge!  Prepare me for the next leg of the journey, and show me which way to turn.

Lead on, Father--lead on!