I've been very in touch with my emotions, lately.
I've felt deep sadness and longing and hope these past few days.
What brought it on? A combination of my fast-approaching, life-altering move to Kiev, and my dad's unexplained bronchial attacks. There have been frequent instances in the past 3 weeks where he has woken up in the middle of the night, unable to draw breath. It scares me to hear him describe how close he has come to dying.
Even now, the attacks continue. I have never been more aware that, at any moment, I could lose my daddy.
I have tried reading that sentence without tearing up. I cannot...
Yesterday, Father's Day, was probably the most special time I could have had with my Dad. It wasn't what we did, or what we said to each other. It was just being with him. Hugging him. Kissing his cheek. Embracing him as tightly as I could for as long as I could, letting the tears express what words would inevitably fail to.
I love you, Dad. (My eyes refuse to stay dry writing this blog.) I love you...
Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for making me play softball instead of wasting my youth inside my room, alone. Thank you for getting me my first job at 16, which led me to meeting Christians and beginning my search for a relationship with God, and which began the work of building the character I would need to face the pressures of life on my own. You never enabled me. You have provided if I was ever truly in need, but wouldn't rescue me from the pain that would lead to true growth.
Thank you for seeing my infinite potential--I wouldn't have done as much as I have if not for your unbelievable vision for me. Thank you for sharing your passion and wisdom and love for God.
I'm going to miss you, Dad.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Farewell to a Dream Fulfilled...Hello to Another
Tonight, I enjoyed my last show with the Turning Point Improv Troupe...at least until God brings me back from whatever adventures he has planned for me overseas.
Ever since I became a disciple and learned that our churches had a ministry devoted to acting, I longed to be part of it. When I first saw the improv troupe perform, I dreamed of joining them in their silliness and camaraderie.
Tonight, I see how God has blessed me with that longing fulfilled. I have been honored to perform as a member of the Turning Point Improv group for over a year, now. This is after 5 years of waiting to transfer into this ministry, and another 3 waiting for an opportunity to join the group. Thank you, God, for your timing, your faithfulness. Thank you, Pat, for giving me a shot and making me a part of our crazy little improv family. Thank you, Tiffany, Brandon, Chadd, Paul, Shaunnie, Derrick, and Isis--for making me feel welcome from the start, and for all of the support and love and laughs and memories. I leave you with this one exhortation: ZIP!
As for the future...well, though I leave behind the Tree-of-Life that this longing became, I go to embrace a new one. God is leading me to the mission-field, after 9 years of unspoken hopes and desires--these of a more sacrificing kind. I go to embrace whatever purpose God has set aside for my life, though it means leaving behind all I hold dear and love.
Still, I will hope and wait for the day when God will unite my two longings, and I will again be able to perform with my friends and fellow performers from the Turning Point, my true family...my home.
How I will miss you...
After the show, Vicki came up to me and told me that her 5-year-old (I think) daughter, Landri, started crying when Pat announced that I was moving. That touched me more than anything so far, and I cried on the drive home. It's becoming more real that I'm leaving, not knowing what the future holds for me, and I was touched by this little girl's attachment to me, though we only saw each other at various church functions and from my time teaching her class at church. I was afraid I would miss her growing up, miss that feeling of belonging, of being needed and known and loved...
Oh, God, will I feel all alone again, like I did in Guatemala? Even so, I will go...
This morning, a sister from another region shared Acts 20:22-24 with me. That is going to be a new theme scripture for this journey I'm taking to Kiev. I don't know what awaits me, but I know it will include hardships. Whatever it takes, Lord...whatever it takes. I want to serve you and follow you to whatever you call me to...even if that means losing everything I love...
Lead on, Lord...lead on.
Ever since I became a disciple and learned that our churches had a ministry devoted to acting, I longed to be part of it. When I first saw the improv troupe perform, I dreamed of joining them in their silliness and camaraderie.
Tonight, I see how God has blessed me with that longing fulfilled. I have been honored to perform as a member of the Turning Point Improv group for over a year, now. This is after 5 years of waiting to transfer into this ministry, and another 3 waiting for an opportunity to join the group. Thank you, God, for your timing, your faithfulness. Thank you, Pat, for giving me a shot and making me a part of our crazy little improv family. Thank you, Tiffany, Brandon, Chadd, Paul, Shaunnie, Derrick, and Isis--for making me feel welcome from the start, and for all of the support and love and laughs and memories. I leave you with this one exhortation: ZIP!
As for the future...well, though I leave behind the Tree-of-Life that this longing became, I go to embrace a new one. God is leading me to the mission-field, after 9 years of unspoken hopes and desires--these of a more sacrificing kind. I go to embrace whatever purpose God has set aside for my life, though it means leaving behind all I hold dear and love.
Still, I will hope and wait for the day when God will unite my two longings, and I will again be able to perform with my friends and fellow performers from the Turning Point, my true family...my home.
How I will miss you...
After the show, Vicki came up to me and told me that her 5-year-old (I think) daughter, Landri, started crying when Pat announced that I was moving. That touched me more than anything so far, and I cried on the drive home. It's becoming more real that I'm leaving, not knowing what the future holds for me, and I was touched by this little girl's attachment to me, though we only saw each other at various church functions and from my time teaching her class at church. I was afraid I would miss her growing up, miss that feeling of belonging, of being needed and known and loved...
Oh, God, will I feel all alone again, like I did in Guatemala? Even so, I will go...
This morning, a sister from another region shared Acts 20:22-24 with me. That is going to be a new theme scripture for this journey I'm taking to Kiev. I don't know what awaits me, but I know it will include hardships. Whatever it takes, Lord...whatever it takes. I want to serve you and follow you to whatever you call me to...even if that means losing everything I love...
Lead on, Lord...lead on.
Monday, June 7, 2010
With God, all things are possible!
June 7th, 2010
I'm feeling excited again about my journey to Kiev. It should be quite an experience!
I feel renewed energy, and though the planning has been demanding, it is beginning to bear fruit.
To anyone who desires to acheive something great, I say, "There will be blood, sweat, and tears, as the saying goes, but the gains far outweigh the pains!"
What dream has been on your heart? What have you longed to accomplish for God?
I say, GO FOR IT!
I'm feeling excited again about my journey to Kiev. It should be quite an experience!
I feel renewed energy, and though the planning has been demanding, it is beginning to bear fruit.
To anyone who desires to acheive something great, I say, "There will be blood, sweat, and tears, as the saying goes, but the gains far outweigh the pains!"
What dream has been on your heart? What have you longed to accomplish for God?
I say, GO FOR IT!
- Pray
- Seek advice from the older/wiser
- Listen for God's voice
- Follow where he leads, one baby-step at a time
Friday, June 4, 2010
"I'm over it..."
I changed my answer to the vote at the top of the page today. I'm not necessarily in the conflict (although things still come up), but in this dreary phase of weariness and exhaustion. I don't necessarily feel the passion and excitement I did at first (although those still come in waves, as well), but rather a steady sense of determination to finish the race, resolved to the course God has set for me.
In truth, I am still excited when I stop and consider all that God has done to lead me here. He's got me in his hands, and I feel safe when I remember that. Actually, I believe the largest factor in my current rating is the amount of time I spend with God. Over the past few months of flurry and hurry, my time in His word, meditating, and prayer has dropped significantly. I'd say by at least a third, maybe even my half.
Running on my own strength...
I still make time for him, but with all of the other things to do to prepare for the next part of my journey, I don't have the amount of leisure time that I used to. I find that I need to be extra disciplined, focused in my use of time, and balanced as I distribute how I spend it. Then there is that portion of time I protect for myself, instead of spending it on God. I choose instead to do the things I think will bring me rest or peace...no wonder I still feel weary.
In these moments of clarity, I turn to Him again, and I feel refreshed. Still, turning my life over to God must become my daily habit, not keeping any part for myself.
Help me, Lord, to remember that my life belongs to you, the only one who can keep it safe forever.
In truth, I am still excited when I stop and consider all that God has done to lead me here. He's got me in his hands, and I feel safe when I remember that. Actually, I believe the largest factor in my current rating is the amount of time I spend with God. Over the past few months of flurry and hurry, my time in His word, meditating, and prayer has dropped significantly. I'd say by at least a third, maybe even my half.
Running on my own strength...
I still make time for him, but with all of the other things to do to prepare for the next part of my journey, I don't have the amount of leisure time that I used to. I find that I need to be extra disciplined, focused in my use of time, and balanced as I distribute how I spend it. Then there is that portion of time I protect for myself, instead of spending it on God. I choose instead to do the things I think will bring me rest or peace...no wonder I still feel weary.
In these moments of clarity, I turn to Him again, and I feel refreshed. Still, turning my life over to God must become my daily habit, not keeping any part for myself.
Help me, Lord, to remember that my life belongs to you, the only one who can keep it safe forever.
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